Roots and Wings and letting go.

It’s been a very strange day today and one of great learning, especially for my youngest daughter. Well, and me too. Recently she has been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and has begun the stream of doctor appointments and blood tests to try and find the best way to help her to conceive. Today she had to ring up and make her first hospital appointment and it brought home what she feels is a long and arduous journey toward becoming a mother.
The stress of that wasn’t helped when her cat, who hasn’t been eating properly for a few days, had to go to the vet. We’d had the discussion about what happens if he has to be put to sleep. Cruel but necessary, the old fella is getting on and his health hasn’t been great for a while, this second trip tipped the balance and we both had a cry and more or less resigned ourselves to that fact. This broke the barriers and she talked to me about all the negative stuff she is feeling, you know the general unfairness of life. I felt bad that I had to get her to take the cat in the first place and to hear her upset about everything else made me feel worse. What can you say? We talked about being positive and that although everything that has happened today was a bit of set back, it is life and is something we have to deal with, something that will make us stronger in the long run.
‘I’m not having any pets.’ Says she until I pointed out to her that when she has children they have to learn many lessons in life and the hardest one is death, small pets are the best way of introducing the subject. In our family we had many deaths, gerbils, mice, cats, hamsters and they were all sad but the children accepted what had happened and all planned little funerals for their pets, which gave them something positive to help them cope. When one cat was killed on the road, the funeral was at the top of the garden under a tree and all the time we were gathered there and singing a little song, our other cat had sat up in the tree watching. When we came back indoors, he climbed from the tree and lay along the grave with the posies of wild flowers that the children had laid there. There could have been nothing better to show them that it is alright to grieve and even animals feel sad too.
My daughter came back from the vets with the cat, the vet could find nothing wrong but gave him an injection of antibiotic just in case and some special high protein cat food… special at £3.95 a small tin! and a course of tablets. Such a relief for her but we talked about preparation for the inevitable; at some point in the old cat’s life one trip will be his last.
I was so delighted when, the fear of losing her cat had gone, she sat and said, ‘You were right Mum, I am looking at the big things and the worse that could happen instead of noticing all the wonderful small things that slip by unnoticed. This afternoon, J was so sweet, he took time off work, came to my appointment with me and was there for me reassuring me that everything would be ok. I didn’t realise how sweet that was and how important that was to me because I am not going through this alone.’ She smiled and suddenly the world looked a better place.
It made me think, how right she was, how often do we look at the huge picture and forget the little things that make up the picture. Any mountain can be climbed but how much easier is the climb when you do it with the support of friends and stop along the way for refreshments and to just sit and take in the magnificence of the world around you.
I think we both learned an important lesson today. Mine was different to my daughter’s. I had to learn that I cannot cry her tears and there are some lessons she has to learn by herself. How hard it is to sit back and watch your child, no matter how old, go through any kind of pain knowing you can do nothing about it. But once she had dealt with it all she sat there with so much more confidence, maybe I said something right for her but at the end of the day all we can do is be there and listen. That’s when you know your children are no longer babies and you know even though they have roots to keep them secure you have given them wings and taught them to fly.

Making Memories

Today I filled my house with one of those memories that you never forget. I baked bread. Immediately I was transported back to my grandmother’s house and the smell that woke us in the mornings from the bakery a few doors down. Where would we be without all those things that helped to make us who we are? I never cease to be amazed that our memories are like a little store room full of little boxes of everything we have experienced and everyone is ready and waiting to be opened and looked at again and again.
Then I think that maybe that is why I had to be a writer, there are so many little stories in my boxes that it would be a shame not to write them down. Well that’s what I thought until I spoke to my mother. I think it was one of those genes that has been passed on from my ancestors. Apparently my great, grandfather was a fantastic story teller and used to spend hours talking to the grandchildren telling tales that they never knew were true or not but were thoroughly interesting to listen to. Once again, memories pop into my head of maybe films I have seen, or perhaps it was the stories I used to read and tell to my own children. It doesn’t matter which because the important thing is the sharing.
To me I think that is the most wonderful thing about having children, we as parents are responsible for the making of memories that will help to develop the future of each and every one of them. Too easy we forget that the world looks and sounds so different through the eyes and ears of a child and that what we teach our children will be passed on to the next generation. I remember walking home from the school run with my three year old son and showing him all the flowers as we passed them. We smelled them, touched them and talked about the colours. After a little while he ran off ahead and stopped to call back to me. He was so excited that he too had found a flower he wanted to show to me. As I reached him and bent to look to where he was pointing I saw a dandelion. For that instant I saw the world through my little boy’s eyes. I had been showing him cultivated garden flowers full of colour, shapes and perfumes and yet to him, this little flower, this weed, was no less beautiful. And do you know something? He was right. How often we fail to see the little things in life because the bigger brighter things get in the way and tempt us. He taught me a valuable lesson that day and from that moment on, the whole of our world became a far more interesting place.
I look now at one of my younger daughters with her little girl. She lives in Spain and I cannot share all the things I know with her but when I see the photographs and hear the things they do together I know that I don’t need to be there because the memories of my daughter’s childhood were important enough for her to want to share with her child. Before Maica was very old she experienced sand in her toes much to the horror of the Spanish people who think children should be dressed up to show off, she was taken into the mountains to look at leaves and play with sticks and fir cones, she listened to the sound of windmills that clacked and made her laugh, watched birds and animals and smelled the world around her. She doesn’t say many things yet but my daughter taught her to sign from an early age. What a wonderful thing to do. She knew that the things she had shown her too had made an impact when at a few months old she signed ‘bird’ as one flew over head. Now at 18months she is aware of the singing of birds and lets her Mama know, she asks to go look for bugs, and is able to communicate that she recognises smells. They live in a fishing village and as they passed the factory where the fish are processed the smell was strong. Little Maica Poppy shared that with her Mum who was delighted that she was able to not only recognise a smell but to find it ok to communicate it…’ishy, ishy’
So I know that I was right to make childhood the beginning of a memory store and to think if I hadn’t had those wonderful memory triggers from my childhood, my granddaughter today might have missed a world of sharing in the little things that so many of us miss. Well done to my son for showing me the real world and my daughter for noticing the little things in life, the important things that are real and cost nothing yet give so much pleasure. I know too that it won’t be long before she will be showing her daughter the delights of kneading and baking bread and she will remember my kitchen in the country and know she is passing on a goldmine of memories for many generations to come and hopefully a pattern for their future too.